If I'm sitting at lunch and not talking to you as I eat our cafeteria meal, really because it's free, I don't want to talk to you. If I did, I would probably say something. I'm not depressed, contemplating life, contriving my new plan to dominate the world, or thinking of a way to piss you off. I just don't want to talk. Pretty simple concept, really. So quit trying to invite me into the small talk. I know I'm invited, I came to lunch with you. Even if I wasn't, if I wanted to join in, I would anyway.
Yes, it's usually awful, but sometimes I want to sit and stare at my chickenesque food as I eat, and not converse. I see you every day, I talk to you every day - probably more than my husband, I'm not really that interesting of a person. I have run out of things to say. Please let me eat my crap in peace today.
even though you don't really care...
6.08.2009
6.06.2009
To beer bong, or not to beer bong
My husband and I are not really big drinkers, however we do like a drunk night on the porch now and again. So as my husband was teaching me how to shotgun a beer and it exploded into my face, burning my eyes, he asked if we were to old for a beer bong. Never being a beer bonger myself, I did not know the answer, and consulted some friends via text message. The only reply that I got was "I dunno", which is for obvious reasons, not helpful. So my question is, what is the appropriate cut off age for having a beer bong? Does it depend based on your life circumstances, or is there an age? I think that we could pretend now and then that we are drunk college students, might be a fun little role play.
6.04.2009
Screw you receipts
There are about ten times a year when I buy something and actually need or want to keep the receipt. It always reminds me of Mitch Hedberg - "here, you throw this away for me". I have decided to waste your time by listing my reasons for hating receipts, in no particular order.
1) My purse is a disaster. Which it is anyway. But the receipts add to it. They make it a fire hazard.
2) My car is a disaster. Which it is anyway. But the receipts add to it, in a more annoying way then my purse. I throw them around to get rid of them if I don't put them in my purse, and they are a pain when I decide it is the annual time to clean out my car.
3) Too much or too little info. Fast food places have way to much info. Do you really need an itemized receipt to see how fat you are being? Little shops just have a date and dollar amount - oh, my evil plan is working. No one will ever know what I bought!
4) People fucking push them on you like they are the black death. Here! Here! Take your receipt! I can't keep it! No, I can't throw it out for you! Come baaaaaaack...!
5) Corporate America makes sure that you get your receipt, or someone will pay. "If you don't receive a receipt, call 555-ASSHOLES." "If you don't receive a receipt, ask for our manager. He will have to be a pussy and give you something free, just because you didn't get a piece of paper that you don't want"
6) "Green" companies should boycott receipts. What a waste. I don't want to and it would probably take me way too long to figure out, so I don't know how many trees we are killing. But a lot I am sure. So I found this PETITION to stop stores from using receipts. My vote, they should ask you before your transaction. Do you want a receipt? Yes/No. Done! How easy, simple really. So please, go vote! And pass it on to others!!!
1) My purse is a disaster. Which it is anyway. But the receipts add to it. They make it a fire hazard.
2) My car is a disaster. Which it is anyway. But the receipts add to it, in a more annoying way then my purse. I throw them around to get rid of them if I don't put them in my purse, and they are a pain when I decide it is the annual time to clean out my car.
3) Too much or too little info. Fast food places have way to much info. Do you really need an itemized receipt to see how fat you are being? Little shops just have a date and dollar amount - oh, my evil plan is working. No one will ever know what I bought!
4) People fucking push them on you like they are the black death. Here! Here! Take your receipt! I can't keep it! No, I can't throw it out for you! Come baaaaaaack...!
5) Corporate America makes sure that you get your receipt, or someone will pay. "If you don't receive a receipt, call 555-ASSHOLES." "If you don't receive a receipt, ask for our manager. He will have to be a pussy and give you something free, just because you didn't get a piece of paper that you don't want"
6) "Green" companies should boycott receipts. What a waste. I don't want to and it would probably take me way too long to figure out, so I don't know how many trees we are killing. But a lot I am sure. So I found this PETITION to stop stores from using receipts. My vote, they should ask you before your transaction. Do you want a receipt? Yes/No. Done! How easy, simple really. So please, go vote! And pass it on to others!!!
6.02.2009
I think they're gonna get me
Although I was raised by a paranoid mother, I don't think that I myself am paranoid. But I'm not really sure. You see, I'm pretty sure if you are paranoid, then you don't know. But since I'm contemplating it, then I suppose I can't be.
I have a friend who, when we are at a gas station together, always has people talk to her. And it's not necessarily a safe gas station. It's a bulletproof glass by the cashier gas station. A they don't have public bathrooms gas station. Yet, whenever we stop there, someone always talks to her. They offer to give her free merchandise out of the back of their van, sell her half price cigarettes, talk about her car, chat about the weather, and ask her to donate for sick children. Yes, really all of these. She is so nice. Chatty. Makes eye contact. Continues the conversation.
Is she just more ballsy than me? Or stupider? Or am I really that much of a pussy?
In none of the aforementioned circumstances would I have even spoken to these people. I would have shaken my head like you do when you are walking past a homeless person that you may feel badly for, but really, you just can't look at them. They look like they have multiple bodily fluids on them, and that's really not okay to you.
So am I just an anti-social paranoid, or am I someone who actually has street smarts? Well, I know that I don't have a lot of street smarts, but enough to avoid being abducted by someone trying to get you to look at their cute puppy in the back of their panel van. And the puppy has candy. And half price cigarettes.
I have a friend who, when we are at a gas station together, always has people talk to her. And it's not necessarily a safe gas station. It's a bulletproof glass by the cashier gas station. A they don't have public bathrooms gas station. Yet, whenever we stop there, someone always talks to her. They offer to give her free merchandise out of the back of their van, sell her half price cigarettes, talk about her car, chat about the weather, and ask her to donate for sick children. Yes, really all of these. She is so nice. Chatty. Makes eye contact. Continues the conversation.
Is she just more ballsy than me? Or stupider? Or am I really that much of a pussy?
In none of the aforementioned circumstances would I have even spoken to these people. I would have shaken my head like you do when you are walking past a homeless person that you may feel badly for, but really, you just can't look at them. They look like they have multiple bodily fluids on them, and that's really not okay to you.
So am I just an anti-social paranoid, or am I someone who actually has street smarts? Well, I know that I don't have a lot of street smarts, but enough to avoid being abducted by someone trying to get you to look at their cute puppy in the back of their panel van. And the puppy has candy. And half price cigarettes.
You really expect me to eat that?
MSN always has useless articles for me to read, that really only take up a moment of my time. I'll read them, even when I know I will hate myself for it. Well, apparently, there are some foods that we are not eating and should be.
Of course we're not eating them, MSN. Spicy pickled fermented cabbage? Pickled lunch herring? The noodle roots of an Asian yam... I have a few bones to pick about this. If you want Americans to get healthier, you will have to ease us into it. We're not eating it, because, what the hell is it? Where do I get it? Who can afford it? I really don't think I can make it at home, and I'm not brown bagging pickled herring, my coworkers already hate me.
If you want us to stop being fat, start slow, like we are feral children who need to be nursed back to nutritional health. Here is my totally doable, not to crazy, will work longer for lazy people diet:
Month One: Cut back on pop. Only one glass a week.
Month Two: Eat more veggies. Or start eating any veggies. Just eat more than you did.
Month Three: Eat nothing after 9:00p. This will be the hardest one.
Month Four: Really, drink a shit ton of water.
Month Five and Beyond: Quit using bacon fat, lard, Crisco, real butter, or anything else greasy that looks like it is not good for you to cook with. Use Olive Oil. It tastes better anyway.
There, now doesn't that sound like something workable for lazy people. Now if you already exercise at all, eat healthy, or actually care about your body, this diet is not for you. You have too much motivation, and will just piss the rest of us off.
Of course we're not eating them, MSN. Spicy pickled fermented cabbage? Pickled lunch herring? The noodle roots of an Asian yam... I have a few bones to pick about this. If you want Americans to get healthier, you will have to ease us into it. We're not eating it, because, what the hell is it? Where do I get it? Who can afford it? I really don't think I can make it at home, and I'm not brown bagging pickled herring, my coworkers already hate me.
If you want us to stop being fat, start slow, like we are feral children who need to be nursed back to nutritional health. Here is my totally doable, not to crazy, will work longer for lazy people diet:
Month One: Cut back on pop. Only one glass a week.
Month Two: Eat more veggies. Or start eating any veggies. Just eat more than you did.
Month Three: Eat nothing after 9:00p. This will be the hardest one.
Month Four: Really, drink a shit ton of water.
Month Five and Beyond: Quit using bacon fat, lard, Crisco, real butter, or anything else greasy that looks like it is not good for you to cook with. Use Olive Oil. It tastes better anyway.
There, now doesn't that sound like something workable for lazy people. Now if you already exercise at all, eat healthy, or actually care about your body, this diet is not for you. You have too much motivation, and will just piss the rest of us off.
5.31.2009
Full of hot air
For some reason today I was remembering a conversation that I had with a woman a bit ago. The details are not necessary, however she was explaining to me that there was no way this other woman had hot water, because her gas was not hooked up, and she was just a vicious liar.
I will give some of you a moment on this.
Now, I explained to her that my gas was not hooked up yet either, but because the gas line had not yet made its way to my front door. In order to warm up my hot water heater, I have rigged a device, sort of like a giant gerbil wheel. When this wheel turns, it moves a lever that then rubs sticks together, creating energy, if not fire. I have some concrete blocks under my water heater to hold it up, so that when the fire starts it heats up the bottom of the water heater. I actually have had to hire some local raccoons to do this for me while I am at work, so that by the time I get home I have hot water. I have only been bitten once, which I think is really pretty good considering how many of them little boogers it takes to turn that giant wheel. Now I know this is quite a process, but since the only way to have hot water is to have your gas hooked up, I really don't know what else to do.
I actually said nothing. I was afraid to. I did have to work with this woman on a professional basis. And I just was not up for being the one to tell her of the electric hot water heater invention.
I will give some of you a moment on this.
Now, I explained to her that my gas was not hooked up yet either, but because the gas line had not yet made its way to my front door. In order to warm up my hot water heater, I have rigged a device, sort of like a giant gerbil wheel. When this wheel turns, it moves a lever that then rubs sticks together, creating energy, if not fire. I have some concrete blocks under my water heater to hold it up, so that when the fire starts it heats up the bottom of the water heater. I actually have had to hire some local raccoons to do this for me while I am at work, so that by the time I get home I have hot water. I have only been bitten once, which I think is really pretty good considering how many of them little boogers it takes to turn that giant wheel. Now I know this is quite a process, but since the only way to have hot water is to have your gas hooked up, I really don't know what else to do.
I actually said nothing. I was afraid to. I did have to work with this woman on a professional basis. And I just was not up for being the one to tell her of the electric hot water heater invention.
5.29.2009
Happy Hour Humor
Dear Random Guy in the bar,
I want to apologize for my unnecessary bashing of you last night. Although, you may have deserved it, I cannot say for sure. Under more sober circumstances, I would never have even talked to you, mainly because you looked like a arrogant tool, which you know because I told you. However, I felt that I owed society a favor. When you told my friend about how much money you make, what awesome things you own, how you are in from out of town, and looking to meet a good woman, I decided that I could give you some pointers. Brutally honest pointers.
So although I may have upset you and annoyed the hell out of your friends (except the one I'm pretty sure hates you, because he was very much enjoying my end of the conversation), you can think about what I said, and hopefully find yourself a nice lady. It was all true, too. I wasn't hanging out with you for your money. Hell, I wasn't hanging out with you at all, just inebriated in your general area. A) you can't wear a suit in a low key bar. B) you do have to at least pretend to have interests other than money. C) you're not gonna meet your future wife at a bar like this. D) again with the suit. I actually made fun of you when you first came in and I had five less drinks in me. That's just a no go.
So, in closing, I do kinda feel like an asshole. But, your money should make you feel better, right? It sounded to me like that was your support system. So go home and make love to it, because I'm pretty sure you didn't find anyone to take that job.
-drunk girl who needs to shut her mouth
I want to apologize for my unnecessary bashing of you last night. Although, you may have deserved it, I cannot say for sure. Under more sober circumstances, I would never have even talked to you, mainly because you looked like a arrogant tool, which you know because I told you. However, I felt that I owed society a favor. When you told my friend about how much money you make, what awesome things you own, how you are in from out of town, and looking to meet a good woman, I decided that I could give you some pointers. Brutally honest pointers.
So although I may have upset you and annoyed the hell out of your friends (except the one I'm pretty sure hates you, because he was very much enjoying my end of the conversation), you can think about what I said, and hopefully find yourself a nice lady. It was all true, too. I wasn't hanging out with you for your money. Hell, I wasn't hanging out with you at all, just inebriated in your general area. A) you can't wear a suit in a low key bar. B) you do have to at least pretend to have interests other than money. C) you're not gonna meet your future wife at a bar like this. D) again with the suit. I actually made fun of you when you first came in and I had five less drinks in me. That's just a no go.
So, in closing, I do kinda feel like an asshole. But, your money should make you feel better, right? It sounded to me like that was your support system. So go home and make love to it, because I'm pretty sure you didn't find anyone to take that job.
-drunk girl who needs to shut her mouth
5.27.2009
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I crawl
I really do enjoy my job, and very rarely complain about it - at least in the grand scheme of things. I set all of my own appointments and meetings, and really have about a 90% say of what my day looks like. This means that I get to be ambitious when I want. Sure, I'll schedule four things for today, get them all out of the way, and have a long day. I'll go home early on Friday. How wonderful.
And then there are days like today, when I feel like a rabid porcupine crawled down my throat in the middle of the night, and then someone punched me in the head. On these days, I do not like my job. There are many places where you can call off, not feel bad, and no one will really miss your presence. Mine is not one of the jobs. In order for me to call off today, I would have to get a hold of 12 different people, cancel, and find a day to reschedule. It also seems to happen that about every three months or so is when I get sick. And it also just happens that I need to do meetings with the same people every three months. So I look like that woman who is always sick to those people (or what I feel, is they think I'm not sick, and just lazy, which is really a whole lot worse. You get "oh, so you're feeling better now?". Look bitch, I was sick. There is such as thing as a 48 hour flu. get over it).
Yes, I will go in, and yes I will probably hate myself for that by the end of the day, but I really don't feel well enough to cancel all of my meetings. How ironic. Oh the days I hate my job.
And then there are days like today, when I feel like a rabid porcupine crawled down my throat in the middle of the night, and then someone punched me in the head. On these days, I do not like my job. There are many places where you can call off, not feel bad, and no one will really miss your presence. Mine is not one of the jobs. In order for me to call off today, I would have to get a hold of 12 different people, cancel, and find a day to reschedule. It also seems to happen that about every three months or so is when I get sick. And it also just happens that I need to do meetings with the same people every three months. So I look like that woman who is always sick to those people (or what I feel, is they think I'm not sick, and just lazy, which is really a whole lot worse. You get "oh, so you're feeling better now?". Look bitch, I was sick. There is such as thing as a 48 hour flu. get over it).
Yes, I will go in, and yes I will probably hate myself for that by the end of the day, but I really don't feel well enough to cancel all of my meetings. How ironic. Oh the days I hate my job.
5.26.2009
Now the apple can't fall far from the tree...
Being a fan of trees, and nature, and all that other junk, I ordered trees. Now I know that I can go random places and find trees, little saplings, still clung tightly to their mother (or father? No, mother I think), but by ordering the trees from the arbor society, they donate trees to plant elsewhere. Okay, good deal, I did my good deed.
But who the hell delivers trees in a mailbox? Are you kidding. Although the spring heat is good for them, I don't assume that the scorching inside of my black mailbox in the middle of farm land was their ideal habitat for three days - oh, and they were just in a bag. Trees are alive! Isn't that what hippie tree lovers say? What if I ordered kittens? If they were kittens, I hope they would not be tossed haphazardly in a plastic bag and then flung in my mailbox. Where's the difference? They are both LIVING creatures!!
* I would like to note that I in no way actually believe that these two situations are similar, but am merely making a forceful point. PETA freaks need not comment.
So tree people, people whose entire business is literally trees, who delivers for you? At least put them in a big enough box that they would not fit in our mailbox, and they can be shaded under the porch. Due to the current weather, planting will need to be delayed. I will let you all know how the trees fared, poor little things.
But who the hell delivers trees in a mailbox? Are you kidding. Although the spring heat is good for them, I don't assume that the scorching inside of my black mailbox in the middle of farm land was their ideal habitat for three days - oh, and they were just in a bag. Trees are alive! Isn't that what hippie tree lovers say? What if I ordered kittens? If they were kittens, I hope they would not be tossed haphazardly in a plastic bag and then flung in my mailbox. Where's the difference? They are both LIVING creatures!!
* I would like to note that I in no way actually believe that these two situations are similar, but am merely making a forceful point. PETA freaks need not comment.
So tree people, people whose entire business is literally trees, who delivers for you? At least put them in a big enough box that they would not fit in our mailbox, and they can be shaded under the porch. Due to the current weather, planting will need to be delayed. I will let you all know how the trees fared, poor little things.
5.24.2009
how bad is the economy, really?
As I sit on my porch with a glass of wine and a cigarette, recouping from a wonderful but packed weekend (Billy Joel and Elton John = marvelous, chilling concert), I had planned on writing about something else entirely. But then I opened my laptop and saw fireworks. It's actually the perfect view, directly in front of me, nothing blocking the way. And I am enjoying them. Ooh, that one was my favorite, with the little sparkles that come down afterwards and make the sizzling sound. And really, I don't care. Its only 9:30 and I'm not working tomorrow.
But why? I have never been that into blowing things into the air once I light them on fire, but I can still appreciate a good fireworks show. But really, memorial day fireworks? It that what that is? Now, I do have some slightly hillbilly neighbors who, some random Thursdays in the middle of the summer. seem to have firework competitions if you will. Those are at least random, "I have more things to blow up than you do competitions". But memorial day does not call for fireworks.
What really gets me is they are nice ones. Professional looking. Expensive. The only thing I'm saying is I hope that these people are not on food stamps or assisted living, or anything else that I am paying for. No, I'm not cruel, these things are needed, and work "well", and help people live. But people who go off and buy shit like fireworks without being able to pay their rent should be shot. Or better yet, they should get really drunk, light it the wrong way, trip over their beer cans as they run away from it, and loose at least one limb in the process due to the firework blowing up on them.
And in all fairness to these people, I don't know who they are. They could be very well off, on no assistance, and volunteer weekly at a home for people who have lost limbs in firework accidents. But I'm just saying, IF... (shaking fist)
But why? I have never been that into blowing things into the air once I light them on fire, but I can still appreciate a good fireworks show. But really, memorial day fireworks? It that what that is? Now, I do have some slightly hillbilly neighbors who, some random Thursdays in the middle of the summer. seem to have firework competitions if you will. Those are at least random, "I have more things to blow up than you do competitions". But memorial day does not call for fireworks.
What really gets me is they are nice ones. Professional looking. Expensive. The only thing I'm saying is I hope that these people are not on food stamps or assisted living, or anything else that I am paying for. No, I'm not cruel, these things are needed, and work "well", and help people live. But people who go off and buy shit like fireworks without being able to pay their rent should be shot. Or better yet, they should get really drunk, light it the wrong way, trip over their beer cans as they run away from it, and loose at least one limb in the process due to the firework blowing up on them.
And in all fairness to these people, I don't know who they are. They could be very well off, on no assistance, and volunteer weekly at a home for people who have lost limbs in firework accidents. But I'm just saying, IF... (shaking fist)
5.22.2009
Our edumacation system
As much as I really do enjoy learning and going to school, I am about ready to rip my eyeballs out. I want it over. done. kaboosh. I have learned enough this year, and will learn no more. Three weeks until a break, but then three weeks and back to school. And why? So I can make the exact same amount of money I am now but put different letters after my name. Couldn't I have just paid for those letters somewhere? I mean, letters are actually free, aren't they?
Telling myself that I knew going into it that I was not going into social work for the money is not helping any more. People with high school diplomas are freaking making twice as much as me. Most of this is physical labor, but so what? I could use the exercise.
What the hell is wrong with our society, though? Social workers get crapped on daily by society, and we then get paid with that crap (at least they are re-using). I would hate my job now, but I could have gone to school for business or something, and at least have some savings now. But no, look at me, I'm helping people. Which I guess it is actually good that I have connections, because I might not be able to afford to eat next month. Okay, so slight exaggeration, but I'm not kidding about the part where I will be making as much with my MA as I am with my BA... in what alternate reality does that make sense. Sometimes I hate my life...
Telling myself that I knew going into it that I was not going into social work for the money is not helping any more. People with high school diplomas are freaking making twice as much as me. Most of this is physical labor, but so what? I could use the exercise.
What the hell is wrong with our society, though? Social workers get crapped on daily by society, and we then get paid with that crap (at least they are re-using). I would hate my job now, but I could have gone to school for business or something, and at least have some savings now. But no, look at me, I'm helping people. Which I guess it is actually good that I have connections, because I might not be able to afford to eat next month. Okay, so slight exaggeration, but I'm not kidding about the part where I will be making as much with my MA as I am with my BA... in what alternate reality does that make sense. Sometimes I hate my life...
5.21.2009
Taylor Swift kick in the ass
I think that every generation has it's music faux pas that they later come to regret, laughing about their once much loved disco or outrageous hair metal bands. Since music has become so broad over the last 15 years or so, with so many different versions even within a genre, what will be the thing that we look back on and laugh about? The short lived, but still admired time of ska, or the Beastie Boys, or perhaps wondering how anyone ever decide to allow Eminen to record. They may come up in conversation, however I think that they have served their time, and will remain out there in a sea of music, crashing back up on the shore every once in a while at tide. I mean is it really so wrong to fight for the right to party every so often?
But I have decided that there is one thing I can't let go of, even over the lazy hip-hop song writing (at least in the 70's and 80's people used very inventive and creative innuendos for sex. now you just describe it to a good beat? I mean 'you spin my head right round, when you go down'? Really? that's the best you could come up with? I don't even have to try to figure that one out.)
Dear Taylor Swift,
You are corrupting the American music culture. How dare you even suggest that you music is country. Just because you have convinced country stations that you are country does not mean that it is true - you are played on virtually every station, something that real country stars would fear. You have lost your street cred on this one. If we wanted another Tiffany, we would have asked. By the way, when do you plan on doing your next mall tour?
I need to ask, where is it that you get your inspirations for your songs? Because to me it seems that you go through your texts to/from your friends, and string them together, creating a conversation at a high school cafeteria, and "singing" to your guitar with it. Let me demonstrate the plausibility of my theory:
"So I sneak out to the garden to see you We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew..."
"He says, Baby is something wrong? I say, Nothing I was just thinking how we don't have a song"
"You're a redneck heartbreak who's really bad at lying"
So let me get this straight; you are in a daily situation, something happens for five minutes, you write it down verbatim and then make a melody-like thing, and people give you money for it? If I'd have known that, I would have kept all of the songs I wrote with my friends when we were 12 and so positive that we would really start a band. Damn! I didn't know those things were worth so much money!
- Angered Music Lover
But I have decided that there is one thing I can't let go of, even over the lazy hip-hop song writing (at least in the 70's and 80's people used very inventive and creative innuendos for sex. now you just describe it to a good beat? I mean 'you spin my head right round, when you go down'? Really? that's the best you could come up with? I don't even have to try to figure that one out.)
Dear Taylor Swift,
You are corrupting the American music culture. How dare you even suggest that you music is country. Just because you have convinced country stations that you are country does not mean that it is true - you are played on virtually every station, something that real country stars would fear. You have lost your street cred on this one. If we wanted another Tiffany, we would have asked. By the way, when do you plan on doing your next mall tour?
I need to ask, where is it that you get your inspirations for your songs? Because to me it seems that you go through your texts to/from your friends, and string them together, creating a conversation at a high school cafeteria, and "singing" to your guitar with it. Let me demonstrate the plausibility of my theory:
"So I sneak out to the garden to see you We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew..."
"He says, Baby is something wrong? I say, Nothing I was just thinking how we don't have a song"
"You're a redneck heartbreak who's really bad at lying"
So let me get this straight; you are in a daily situation, something happens for five minutes, you write it down verbatim and then make a melody-like thing, and people give you money for it? If I'd have known that, I would have kept all of the songs I wrote with my friends when we were 12 and so positive that we would really start a band. Damn! I didn't know those things were worth so much money!
- Angered Music Lover
5.18.2009
Catty-shack
Why is it that when a woman states her mind and is confident, they are considered a bitch, but if it were a man, they are just being assertive?
Well, because women are usually acting like a bitch. Not all the time, and not all women. But how often do you see men in the workplace or a social occasion being manipulative and backstabbing? Not too often. Perhaps there is too much multi-tasking involved...
But women, if we want people to stop thinking that we are acting like bitches, we must stop acting like bitches. If a goat acts like a goat, you call it a goat. If it acts like a man eating squid, you call it a man eating squid. Just stop being a bitch. Here's how:
* If someone is wearing ridiculous shoes, don't compliment them. Just try not to stare.
* If you think someone is talking about you behind your back, they probably are. Get over yourself and it will stop.
* When someone needs to bitch about someone else, let them, but be supportive like a guy. Nod your head, add some "Oh"s, and "really?"s in there, but don't really care about what she is saying.
* When your life really sucks, like already picked out your hand-basket for the ride down sucks, call someone. Don't advertise it to a group of three or more. That's like rubbing hamburger meat all over you and jumping into a den of Lions who are PMSing. Why even buy the meat?
* Try genuinely being nice to people. You just might like it. And then when you really do have something that you need to be confident and assertive about, someone just may listen to you.
Well, because women are usually acting like a bitch. Not all the time, and not all women. But how often do you see men in the workplace or a social occasion being manipulative and backstabbing? Not too often. Perhaps there is too much multi-tasking involved...
But women, if we want people to stop thinking that we are acting like bitches, we must stop acting like bitches. If a goat acts like a goat, you call it a goat. If it acts like a man eating squid, you call it a man eating squid. Just stop being a bitch. Here's how:
* If someone is wearing ridiculous shoes, don't compliment them. Just try not to stare.
* If you think someone is talking about you behind your back, they probably are. Get over yourself and it will stop.
* When someone needs to bitch about someone else, let them, but be supportive like a guy. Nod your head, add some "Oh"s, and "really?"s in there, but don't really care about what she is saying.
* When your life really sucks, like already picked out your hand-basket for the ride down sucks, call someone. Don't advertise it to a group of three or more. That's like rubbing hamburger meat all over you and jumping into a den of Lions who are PMSing. Why even buy the meat?
* Try genuinely being nice to people. You just might like it. And then when you really do have something that you need to be confident and assertive about, someone just may listen to you.
5.17.2009
The week of the season finales
If someone asks me if I have plans for the night, I will first have to see what day it is. I do have plans on Mondays and Thursday, as those are my TV nights. Realizing this is sad, and even after the wonderful invention of DVR I believe I still need to be home to watch them, I am excited for this week. Without all of my usually shows on, I will now be able to have a life. I would have been able to get caught up on all of my ridiculous homework (ridiculous because, really, what is interviewing a social worker about ethical dilemmas they have encountered going to do for me professionally?) and would now be able to use my Sundays as they were made to - to do nothing.
Because I do not have to make sure my life is revolving around TV anymore, I plan to use that time in other endeavors:
* Catch up on all my homework, so I do not encounter the hell week in three weeks.
* Do my spare bedroom
* Actually finish all of the gardens that I started
* Maybe make a bigger garden for veggies
*Go on some hikes after work
Yes, the end of my shows are the beginning of my summer life, one that will, I insist, be productive.
I must discuss the finale of Grey's Anatomy however. WTF? Really? That's how you are ending it? Not cool, Grey's, not cool. It is really taking on more of a soap opera theme than it already had. Meredeth and Derek probably won't ever really get married, Meredeth will have to get pregnant, or if she doesn't they will come up with a horrible script while she is on leave, and either Izzy or George aren't really dead. And if they are, again, really? Two in one show? They might as well had Izzy walk George to the door while saying goodbye to him as he is off to Iraq, but when they get in the elevator, they both happen to fall down the shaft. But no, the John Doe who is the hero is George? I want to say sadly enough my husband called that one when he first came in on the ambulance...
Because I do not have to make sure my life is revolving around TV anymore, I plan to use that time in other endeavors:
* Catch up on all my homework, so I do not encounter the hell week in three weeks.
* Do my spare bedroom
* Actually finish all of the gardens that I started
* Maybe make a bigger garden for veggies
*Go on some hikes after work
Yes, the end of my shows are the beginning of my summer life, one that will, I insist, be productive.
I must discuss the finale of Grey's Anatomy however. WTF? Really? That's how you are ending it? Not cool, Grey's, not cool. It is really taking on more of a soap opera theme than it already had. Meredeth and Derek probably won't ever really get married, Meredeth will have to get pregnant, or if she doesn't they will come up with a horrible script while she is on leave, and either Izzy or George aren't really dead. And if they are, again, really? Two in one show? They might as well had Izzy walk George to the door while saying goodbye to him as he is off to Iraq, but when they get in the elevator, they both happen to fall down the shaft. But no, the John Doe who is the hero is George? I want to say sadly enough my husband called that one when he first came in on the ambulance...
5.15.2009
why is nobody fun when you grow up?
I am generally a pretty lazy person, but when I do get that itch to actually do something, I want to do something fun, not just go out to dinner all of the time. I can rarely convince anyone to be wild and crazy with me, and I don't mean clubbing until 3 in the morning. I want to go ice skating, or ride go carts, or go get a tattoo. People just want to do drinks. It's getting old, apparently like my friends and me.
Why can you not be a kid in your 20's? If you are, then you are considered not responsible, immature, and probably living in your parent's basement. Now, some of these people do fit the stereotype, but I am not those things, I would just like to be a kid every once in while. I want to go sled riding and then make a fort in my living room out of couch cushions and bed sheets. I believe it will make you live longer. Am I not allowed to be a kid anymore?
Why can you not be a kid in your 20's? If you are, then you are considered not responsible, immature, and probably living in your parent's basement. Now, some of these people do fit the stereotype, but I am not those things, I would just like to be a kid every once in while. I want to go sled riding and then make a fort in my living room out of couch cushions and bed sheets. I believe it will make you live longer. Am I not allowed to be a kid anymore?
5.13.2009
revamping my boring vocabulary
There comes a time when words need to enter your vocabulary at the same time that others leave. Its healthy; Like an oil change for your mouth. Your mind will appreciate it, and those riding in the passenger's seat won't get bogged down with your ever-so-predictable lingo. (Lingo being one word that should get thrown in, or at least test driven here and there)
Swell: swell can take the place of "good", "fine", or "okay". You can pick. None of these require being discarded. Swell is fun. It is like a word smile. It is just, well, nice, and will make others happy.
Concur: can take the place of "agree", or "yep", in certain contexts. It is smart, but not quite like the annoying smart kid in high school, who you don't quite hate, but would really like to see just fall off of their chair. No, just, "I'm educated, and I agree, but I'm not too smart, so don't hate me".
Touche: This will take the place of people generally being douchebags when you point out a flaw in their statements or ideas. This one is not optional, it must be replaced. You actually will be the better person (or just not a douchebag) when you use this word. And it will probably make you feel swell.
Wait, what's that? Okay, I suppose we can see some examples.
Raunchy examples :(used instead of "bad" *note - usually only acceptable if in a bar)
"Mr. Peanut sure seems like a good person."
"Yep. I think I might invite him over for dinner."
"But you are allergic to peanuts."
"Hey, you made me mad by pointing out the irony in my thought, and now I am going to act like a douchebag."
Gnarly examples: (used instead of nothing, because "gnarly" really should not ever be used in a sentence - unless you have already used "raunchy" because you are in the aforementioned bar, and you are drunk)
"Mr. Peanut is really a swell person."
"I concur. I think I might invite him over for dinner."
"But you are allergic to peanuts."
"Ah, touche."
"Wow, what a gnarly response. I don't at all think of you as a raunchy douchebag for that."
Swell: swell can take the place of "good", "fine", or "okay". You can pick. None of these require being discarded. Swell is fun. It is like a word smile. It is just, well, nice, and will make others happy.
Concur: can take the place of "agree", or "yep", in certain contexts. It is smart, but not quite like the annoying smart kid in high school, who you don't quite hate, but would really like to see just fall off of their chair. No, just, "I'm educated, and I agree, but I'm not too smart, so don't hate me".
Touche: This will take the place of people generally being douchebags when you point out a flaw in their statements or ideas. This one is not optional, it must be replaced. You actually will be the better person (or just not a douchebag) when you use this word. And it will probably make you feel swell.
Wait, what's that? Okay, I suppose we can see some examples.
Raunchy examples :(used instead of "bad" *note - usually only acceptable if in a bar)
"Mr. Peanut sure seems like a good person."
"Yep. I think I might invite him over for dinner."
"But you are allergic to peanuts."
"Hey, you made me mad by pointing out the irony in my thought, and now I am going to act like a douchebag."
Gnarly examples: (used instead of nothing, because "gnarly" really should not ever be used in a sentence - unless you have already used "raunchy" because you are in the aforementioned bar, and you are drunk)
"Mr. Peanut is really a swell person."
"I concur. I think I might invite him over for dinner."
"But you are allergic to peanuts."
"Ah, touche."
"Wow, what a gnarly response. I don't at all think of you as a raunchy douchebag for that."
5.12.2009
A Dog's Life is like a box of chocolates
How is it that two animals with the same genes have such different personalities? One likes laying outside, while the other likes running outside. One loves everyone they meet, and the other is kind of a jerk. And one can sleep in until 10:00 with me, while the other one has a strict 8:30 pee schedule. Due to the fact that she is the smarter of the two, I am wondering if there is someway that I can program her to get me up earlier on workdays. My alarm clock will go off to it's hearts content without so much as a thought from me, but I appear to wake up just fine to a paw to the chest or head. If she can't fetch me my slippers, she might as well be able to get me up on time for work.
Mission #1: Teach Jersey how to tell time (digital may work best)
Mission #2: Teach Jersey how to tell what day it is (get her a planner? or maybe I can just let her know)
5.11.2009
Word Verifi-what?...
I consider myself to be a bright individual. I have gone to college, been sucessful in my life, and contrary to what Word Verification tells me, I can read. I am actually quite good at decifering different letters of the alphabet. Word verification does not think this is true.
After multiple attempts of simply trying to copy letters that are in front of me, I feel like a failure. Word Verification is putting me down, in a very subtle way. It is saying, "that's okay, let's give you another shot; I know you can figure this out". It tells me "I am just trying to protect you from all the bad people in the world, let's take some precautions, I know you have the extra time". I will take my chances with the spam - I will waste less of my life deleting spam than I will verifying your words - which in all fairness are just letter put together, rarely actual words, so you can get off your soap box.
Oh, but word verification, I apparently cannot tell the difference between a 1 and a 7, or an h and n... or heaven forbid you put the 1 and l next to each other, overlapping with t's and m's. Word verification, you appear to be a high college student, experimenting with the alphabet, and you are not doing it justice.
After multiple attempts of simply trying to copy letters that are in front of me, I feel like a failure. Word Verification is putting me down, in a very subtle way. It is saying, "that's okay, let's give you another shot; I know you can figure this out". It tells me "I am just trying to protect you from all the bad people in the world, let's take some precautions, I know you have the extra time". I will take my chances with the spam - I will waste less of my life deleting spam than I will verifying your words - which in all fairness are just letter put together, rarely actual words, so you can get off your soap box.
Oh, but word verification, I apparently cannot tell the difference between a 1 and a 7, or an h and n... or heaven forbid you put the 1 and l next to each other, overlapping with t's and m's. Word verification, you appear to be a high college student, experimenting with the alphabet, and you are not doing it justice.
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